trauma

 I I went for a walk yesterday with a few people around a village not too far from here. When I first heard about it, I had a feeling I’d been on this walk before—well, at least started it—about three years ago, just after I’d been in the hospital for treatment that left me temporarily incontinent. At the time, I hoped it really was temporary, but no one at the hospital bothered to reassure me. It turned out it was, but back then I was still dealing with anxiety over the incontinence. The whole thing had been a horrendous experience, and the hospital staff hadn’t prepared me for it at all. The words “temporarily faecally incontinent” didn’t even begin to cover what I went through, and it messed with my head.  

Yesterday, as I started the walk, the route began to feel familiar, and I reached the point where I’d panicked and turned back before. I told one of the guides about it, felt a bit of panic again, but managed to keep going and finish the walk. I’m so glad I did because I finally saw the parts I’d missed three years ago. I’m still angry at the hospital staff for their uselessness—it took a chat with someone there a few months ago to finally get some reassurance, three years late. Really sloppy care. I know it was during the pandemic, but that’s no excuse for being so careless. I have been stuck in this black cloud for all these years because of those bastards, I have scratched my eye, broken my thumb and fell out with family due to those twats. I tried to get an apology but they refused to acknowledge my situation, the bastards.